Defending St. Patty

I came to the conclusion this evening that I may not even watch part or all of the Super Bowl on Sunday. There was definitely a time when this was unthinkable. However, it is so thoroughly (both symbolically and literally) everything that I less-than-secretly don't love about America that I don't know if my minimal interest in seeing a competitive sporting event will win out at all. I am kind of doubting it. I may just watch Arrested Development on DVD, even though I've seen every episode like a dozen times. Why? Because it's entertaining, which is more than I can say for the Super Bowl, particularly if there are 11 hosts. 11 hosts? If there were 11 guys who had something to say about football that I cared about, don't you think I would know their names? Well, I don't. So I hope those guys have a good time in their eleven-man circle jerk. I will not be joining them.

So are we still talking about St. Patty's Day? I never thought I would need Mike and Sam for intellectual back up, but I may have to call them in on this one. (Note to readers: Mike and Sam are some good good friends of ours who like the drink).

As for your suggestion that it is somehow hypocritical of me to defend St. Patty's Day and hate on the NFL, despite the fact that they are both decidedly arbitrary in nature, I think you're wrong. How are the two different? I think it's a relatively simple answer.

Truth: Football is an excuse to drink. Truth: Football is an excuse to drink more than it is an excuse watch football. Truth: Football is the kind of thing you need an excuse to watch, because truly, NO ONE really cares about football, not even the people who think they do. No one could possibly get all tingly and fuzzy inside because of football. No one with a brain, anyway. Which pretty much means that even former NFL players don't like football! (Get it? Because they don't have brains...because of football...you're not laughing. Too soon?)

On the other hand, St. Patty's Day pays respect to drinking. Is the date arbitrary? Yes. Does it have absolutely nothing to do with St. Patrick? Yes. Are there more people than normal who seem to go out of their way and especially make me want to hate them for being totally hollow shells of human beings on St. Patty's day? Yes. Is it in many ways like football, in that it is an excuse? Yes. But here's the thing: it pays homage to drinking. I can respect that.

Drinking has been a vital part of pretty much every society that has ever mattered. I mean, can you think of an ancient, or modern, civilization whose chief virtue in the eyes of historians and anthropologists is/was their culture-wide sobriety? No. Why? Because no such countries exist. And because if they did, no historian or anthropologist would ever go there, because even academics like to tie one on and have a good time every now and again. We are humans, and in varying stages of misery and/or joy, and many of us cope and/or celebrate with one substance or another. Alcohol has been around the longest, it's the most popular, and it's legal. It deserves to be celebrated.

I mean, think about it: like it or not, drunkenness has had an undeniable impact on most peoples' lives. I mean, all three of us went to college in (North) America, and I think it's fair to say that none of us are or were alcoholics, and that we all did less drinking than many of our peers. But it is undeniable that some of our very best times and very best friends inevitably happened and/or were enhanced because of alcohol. Imagine college without it. Frankly, I can't. What else would smooth over that argument and help calm everyone down? Only alcohol. What else would bring two young people who don't even know each others' names together for a night of platonic hand-holding and mutual respect? Only alcohol. What else could make me want to alternately cry and smash things? Only alcohol.

Spirits deserve their own special day of celebration, for their own sake. If it weren't for alcohol, I never would have broken my foot, or gotten punched in the face, or said those things I said to my ex-girlfriend, or woken up on sidewalk somewhere in Manhattan. St. Patty's day is not an excuse to drink, it's a reason, and a perfectly good one. Now stop comparing my favorite holiday to the NFL or I am going to have to start binge drinking.